Author: Lynda Benigno
Learning good boundaries is a life skill most of us were never taught. Boundaries are thought, and respect for another's well being and autonomy. The boundaries you choose to set are a reflection of your needs and establishes healthy rules for your relationships. Ultimately, boundaries demonstrate what we will accept or not accept in our relationships with others. Setting healthy boundaries is a way to practice self-love and protect your energy.
Your boundaries can be physical, mental/ emotional, or material. Physical boundaries can involve touching or physical space. Violations of physical boundaries can include a person barging into your room without knocking, someone standing too close or touching someone without knowing if the other person is okay with it.
Mental and emotional boundaries separate feelings and thoughts from one person to another. Violations of mental and emotional boundaries can include giving unsolicited advice, telling someone how they should feel, listening in on another's phone calls or, repeating confidential conversations to others.
Material boundaries involve possessions, and violations can consist of taking something without permission or looking through someone's phone or personal files.
Other boundary violations can include showing up to a gathering to which you were not invited or correcting children when their parents are present. Refusal to take no for an answer. Insisting grown children live according to your values and desires or sharing personal information without asking if the other person has the mental space to hear it.
Boundaries do not need to be the same for everyone. Your comfort level can vary depending on the situation and person. Imagine yourself and each person you know standing in a room. Each person has a small border fence around them. The person to your left is someone you have known for years, and the relationship consists of mutual respect shown through active listening, self-awareness, and owning up to mistakes, consent, and communication. When you encounter this person, your fence door swings open with a welcome. The person on your right is someone you love very much, and for the most part, the relationship is on steady ground. However, every once in awhile, they have a terrible day. They come through the door and dump all of their problems into your lap with little consideration for how it may make you feel. When you encounter this person, your fence door opens cautiously. The person standing directly in front of you is someone you love, but you struggle to keep the relationship on good terms. This person gossips continuously and borrows things and does not return them and wants you to do things their way. When you share how you feel, they respond by minimizing the impact of their actions and words. They become condescending and abusive. When you encounter this person, your fence door does not open; in fact, you decide to put a lock on it.
The key to setting healthy boundaries is identifying where in your life, you are feeling drained. Spend some time evaluating your relationships with others, personal or professional. Write down which interactions leave you feeling depleted.
Next, identify what you need to not feel drained. This can mean spending only a limited amount of time with certain people, saying no to invites, or turning off your phone for a set amount of time each day.
Put your boundaries into action by communicating with those around you in a firm yet gentle way. Start with " I feel______ when you _____. I would appreciate you considering this next time".
If the other person violates the boundary again, you can remind them by verbally establishing your needs, followed by the consequences of another violation. The consequences laid out should depend on the circumstances and is non-negotiable. You must be prepared to follow through. If you fail to follow through, you end up demonstrating that your boundaries don't carry any meaning.
It is also important to remember boundaries do not need to be set in stone. The boundaries you set can be re-evaluated and adjusted according to circumstances or changes in relationship status. Find what you are comfortable with and follow your gut instinct. Your body will tell you when something is not right. If you are always clenching your jaw after interacting with a particular person, you should probably be spending less time with them.
Having a strong support system in place is essential, and I highly recommend seeing a therapist if you are struggling with the process. When setting boundaries, it is not uncommon to receive guilt trips or have others angry with you. Understand that this sort of reaction comes from fear and, sometimes, a side of manipulation. It is not a sign of love, and you do not need to accept boundary violations as the norm. You can choose to accept it, change it, or leave it.
As individuals with personal agency remember, you have the right to say No. You have the right to reject the unreasonable expectations of other people. You have the right to personal space. You have the right to protect your energy and to decide to whom you give your energy. You have the right to love yourself enough to set healthy boundaries.
The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.
Choices for Strong Willed Children.
Author Beth Thyme
This is one of those things that I would say to myself, “Wow, why didn’t I know this earlier!” Let me give you some background. I have 2 boys, age 4 and 6. Like me and my husband (imagine that) they are very strong willed little boys. They give new meaning to the word “assertive.” And overall, that is a good thing. I hope that they can keep that same strong spirit when they hit the teen and adult years. After all, I would like to hope the future holds them not getting walked on by others.
So, how, as a mother, do I get what I want and they also get what they want, without doing major battle? (There were many battles happening before I learned about this tool). I had been led to believe in the drill sergeant parenting style. I SAY, YOU DO! But for boys that are a lot like me, they believe the same I SAY, YOU DO MOMMY! This is where the POWER OF CHOICE works.
When you give children a choice, it allows them to keep their power. They get to choose, they feel in control. A feeling that everyone (young and old) tend to enjoy. When you as the adult choose the 2 choices, you get to be in control of the outcome. Let me give you an example.
You need to stop for lunch at a fast food restaurant. Your child has cup in hand and is headed to the drink station. He or she reaches for the most syrupy and caffeinated pop in the bunch. This is where you come in. You say “no, not that one.” You prepare for the battle. Instead try, “You can not have that one, it is not healthy.” “However, you can have a choice between the lemonade and water.” Sounds like it won’t work, right? I encourage you try it. Children, once presented with 2 choices, get exited that they get to choose and will focus on that instead.
The key is that you lay out TWO CHOICES ONLY, THAT YOU AS A PARENT CAN LIVE WITH EITHER ONE THE CHILD CHOOSES. I often see adults allowing children to make their own choices and then berating the child for picking the “wrong” thing. YOU TAKE CONTROL of that part. YOU ARE THE ADULT and you have the knowledge about what the better choices are. YOU WIN, THE CHILD WINS, EVERY TIME!
The beauty of this is that children grow up to believe that they can make good choices. This is especially when they hit the teen years and you are not there to supervise those choices. That choice one day may be, get in the car with friend who is going to drive drunk or call mom and have her pick me up. Yes, it could be life of death for your child to learn how to make the right choice.
Finally, don’t forget to praise your child for making those good choices. Something like, “I knew you would make such a great choice,” is a great one. Happy parenting!
The opinions in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099
Angry Is Okay? – The Myths and Truths About Anger.
There’s a lot to be angry about these days – politics on Facebook, traffic jams, heated family gatherings,
dropping your free taco and it shattering to bits on the rocky ground and never to be eaten. The list is
endless. What do you do with your anger? How does it come out? Or does it come out at all? What’s
healthy and not healthy in all of this? Below are some myths – and the correlated truths – about seeing
red.
MYTH: Being angry is wrong.
Truth: Anger is an emotion just like anything else. It’s okay to experience emotions, even ones that
might seem scary, like anger. What’s most important with anger is how it’s expressed and processed.
Action: Take notice of what makes you angry and how you react to it.
MYTH: The best way to “let out” anger is by being physical – hitting or smashing something or even
letting out a good scream.
Truth: Processing your anger doesn’t have to be physical, and sometimes it’s even unhelpful. The
physical part helps to release that immediate adrenaline rush, sure, but it doesn’t get to the meat of the
anger and can even potentially build a pattern of immediately reacting every single time you get angry.
Action: Brainstorm ways you can process anger without getting physical – can you talk to someone?
Write it out? Meditate?
MYTH: When I get angry, I’m mad at what just happened and that’s it.
Truth: Anger is a secondary emotion, which means it’s your body’s knee-jerk reaction to something
deeper, like feelings of fear or pain or vulnerability. Even being angry at something like being stuck in
traffic has an underlying emotion. Maybe there’s fear that you won’t make it home in time for
something important or you’re feeling raw after a rough day at work and just want something
comforting at home.
Action: The next time you get angry, take a minute to go through your day or remember what you were
just thinking about. This will give you some insight into where your anger might be coming from.
MYTH: Being angry isn’t helpful and solves nothing.
Truth: Because anger is a secondary emotion, it also acts as a protective factor. Take, for example, this
analogy of a snake:
Once upon a time, there was a snake in a deli mart parking lot. Every evening, a group of
kids would hang out in the lot and antagonize the snake. It started out as making fun of
its stripes and nudging its tail, but soon the kids started throwing rocks at the snake and
poking it with sticks. The deli owner began hearing reports of kids being bitten by the
Angry Is Okay – The Myths and Truths About Anger
snake, and decided to try and reason with it. He asked the snake if it was biting people,
and when the snake said yes, the deli owner asked it to not bite the kids anymore. Being
a reasonable snake, it agreed. The deli owner didn’t hear anything about snake bites for
the next week. One evening, though, he saw the snake lying still on the ground. It
looked cut and bruised. The deli owner took the snake to the vet and asked why it didn’t
protect itself. The snake’s response? You asked me not to bite the kids.
The snake’s natural reaction to being hurt was to react in anger and bite the kids. Once it could no
longer bite, but also had no other way of protecting itself, it got badly hurt. Anger can protect you from
hurt and act as a signal that something within you is under attack. For example, you and a couple other
friends are invited to a party, and when you get there, you find out everyone else has been there for
hours without you, and you get angry. You were left out, ostracized. If you react out of anger, you don’t
have to feel that pain of vulnerability.
Action: Think about the last time you lashed out in anger – what sort of hurt or pain do you think was
being protected in that situation? What other ways could you have reacted?
MYTH: Anger just happens and there’s no way of telling it’s coming until you snap.
Truth: Your body gives you warning signs to tell you that you’re getting angry. Maybe your heart rate
increases, or your fists start to clench, or your face gets hot. By training yourself to pay attention to
these cues, you can pause and process what’s making you feel angry before you reach your boiling
point.
Action: The next time you feel just a little frustrated, freeze and see what your body is doing. Do you
notice tension in your face? A rapid heartbeat? Something else entirely? These could be your warning
signs, ones you’ll want to start paying attention to.
Whether it’s traffic or a taco, you can practice these truths every day to get a better understanding of
anger’s role in your life and how you can process it in a healthy way.nded to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental illness. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.