Author: Lynda Benigno
Learning good boundaries is a life skill most of us were never taught. Boundaries are thought, and respect for another's well being and autonomy. The boundaries you choose to set are a reflection of your needs and establishes healthy rules for your relationships. Ultimately, boundaries demonstrate what we will accept or not accept in our relationships with others. Setting healthy boundaries is a way to practice self-love and protect your energy.
Your boundaries can be physical, mental/ emotional, or material. Physical boundaries can involve touching or physical space. Violations of physical boundaries can include a person barging into your room without knocking, someone standing too close or touching someone without knowing if the other person is okay with it.
Mental and emotional boundaries separate feelings and thoughts from one person to another. Violations of mental and emotional boundaries can include giving unsolicited advice, telling someone how they should feel, listening in on another's phone calls or, repeating confidential conversations to others.
Material boundaries involve possessions, and violations can consist of taking something without permission or looking through someone's phone or personal files.
Other boundary violations can include showing up to a gathering to which you were not invited or correcting children when their parents are present. Refusal to take no for an answer. Insisting grown children live according to your values and desires or sharing personal information without asking if the other person has the mental space to hear it.
Boundaries do not need to be the same for everyone. Your comfort level can vary depending on the situation and person. Imagine yourself and each person you know standing in a room. Each person has a small border fence around them. The person to your left is someone you have known for years, and the relationship consists of mutual respect shown through active listening, self-awareness, and owning up to mistakes, consent, and communication. When you encounter this person, your fence door swings open with a welcome. The person on your right is someone you love very much, and for the most part, the relationship is on steady ground. However, every once in awhile, they have a terrible day. They come through the door and dump all of their problems into your lap with little consideration for how it may make you feel. When you encounter this person, your fence door opens cautiously. The person standing directly in front of you is someone you love, but you struggle to keep the relationship on good terms. This person gossips continuously and borrows things and does not return them and wants you to do things their way. When you share how you feel, they respond by minimizing the impact of their actions and words. They become condescending and abusive. When you encounter this person, your fence door does not open; in fact, you decide to put a lock on it.
The key to setting healthy boundaries is identifying where in your life, you are feeling drained. Spend some time evaluating your relationships with others, personal or professional. Write down which interactions leave you feeling depleted.
Next, identify what you need to not feel drained. This can mean spending only a limited amount of time with certain people, saying no to invites, or turning off your phone for a set amount of time each day.
Put your boundaries into action by communicating with those around you in a firm yet gentle way. Start with " I feel______ when you _____. I would appreciate you considering this next time".
If the other person violates the boundary again, you can remind them by verbally establishing your needs, followed by the consequences of another violation. The consequences laid out should depend on the circumstances and is non-negotiable. You must be prepared to follow through. If you fail to follow through, you end up demonstrating that your boundaries don't carry any meaning.
It is also important to remember boundaries do not need to be set in stone. The boundaries you set can be re-evaluated and adjusted according to circumstances or changes in relationship status. Find what you are comfortable with and follow your gut instinct. Your body will tell you when something is not right. If you are always clenching your jaw after interacting with a particular person, you should probably be spending less time with them.
Having a strong support system in place is essential, and I highly recommend seeing a therapist if you are struggling with the process. When setting boundaries, it is not uncommon to receive guilt trips or have others angry with you. Understand that this sort of reaction comes from fear and, sometimes, a side of manipulation. It is not a sign of love, and you do not need to accept boundary violations as the norm. You can choose to accept it, change it, or leave it.
As individuals with personal agency remember, you have the right to say No. You have the right to reject the unreasonable expectations of other people. You have the right to personal space. You have the right to protect your energy and to decide to whom you give your energy. You have the right to love yourself enough to set healthy boundaries.
The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.
A Right to a Healthy Relationship Starts with Healthy Choices.
Author: Lynda Benigno
In our life, no area seems more complicated than our relationship with others. Relationships of all kinds require effort. We try to adapt to others faults, moods, and preferences, and hopefully, others do the same. Healthy relationships comprise of mutual respect, empathy, compassion, and a general interest in the well being, growth and happiness of the other person. No matter your relationship to another person; parent to child, spouse to spouse or friendship, you should feel safe, loved, and accepted for who you are. In healthy relationships, disagreements and minor power struggles occur, with both parties willing and able to resolve them with open communication and compromise.
Toxic relationships are harmful to our well being, contributing to stress, anxiety, depression, and medical problems such as heart disease. A relationship that has inequality, selfishness, dominance, control, and destructive behavior patterns make you feel emotionally and mentally drained. You begin to avoid the other person or keep your time with them short. A toxic relationship may also consist of physical violence or substance abuse, and in this case, intervention is required, get help immediately.
It can be challenging to tell if a relationship is toxic because no relationship is perfect all of the time. Answering these questions can help you figure out if a relationship is toxic.
1. Does the other person insist on having things their way with little consideration of your feelings or needs?
2. When you spend time with the other person, do you feel drained instead of energized?
3. Do you trust the other person?
4. Is the other person always angry or hostile?
5. Does the other person always have unfolding drama or problems that they want you to engage in or help fix?
6. Does the other person always judge or criticize you?
7. Does the other person support your emotional and physical well being?
8. Do you change your opinions or needs based on what the other person wants to keep the peace?
9. Do you feel uncomfortable around the other person?
10. Are you unable to grow and learn in the presence of the other person?
11. Does being around the other person bring out the worst in you?
12. Do you find yourself going along with ideas or actions that are contrary to your ethical code of conduct?
13. Does the other person use guilt as a weapon such as appearing to support a decision and then remind you of how the decision inconvenienced them?
14. Does the other person have a short fuse and you avoid doing or saying anything that might set them off?
15. Does the other person insult you and then smile and say its a joke?
We humans have a fundamental need to connect and be close to each other. Having positive relationships is vital for our well being. If you recognize these traits in any of your relationships, you owe it to yourself to address them with the other person. If you are both looking for a way to improve your relationship, therapy can be an excellent first step. If the other party is not interested in discussing and changing the relationship dynamics, then separation from this person may be your only option. Continuing to expose yourself to an unhealthy relationship will cost you your mental and physical health and potentially breed ongoing conflict.
*Important Note: If you are in a relationship where there is physical violence and or substance abuse, only confront the other person if and when it is safe to do so. Seek out professional help from someone who has experience with domestic violence and or substance abuse. Confronting the other person alone may put your safety at risk. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-787-3224.
The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are suffering, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.
Kid Confidant - (When You Use Your Child As Your Therapist)
By: Bethany Latimer
Many times in our lives we are disappointed, or flat out failed, by the other adults we call our support system. We hope to get good advice or have their undivided attention when we come to them with a problem. Instead, they are preoccupied with their own problems, too busy scrolling through their phone or turning to you for advice without taking the time to listen when you start speaking. It is frustrating. We all need someone to talk to. In come the kids. They are pretty good listeners, often very empathetic (they feel bad for mommy or daddy), and let’s face it, they are often around. Hence, it becomes very easy to fall into a pattern of unburdening your problems on a child. We find ourselves complaining about other adults (often people your child knows and loves), we use them to lift our spirits when we are sad, we give them too many details about the horrible things that have happened to us. In short, our worries become their worries. Why this is NOT okay:
- Children have a child’s perspective, they often cannot see the bigger picture that the adult can, leaving them to feel hopeless and worried because they are incapable of doing anything about what you are telling them.
- You are causing damage to their relationships. The people you complain about our often people they love and care about. When you berate and disrespect these people, you damage that person's character. The child builds resentment toward the adults in their life.
- Finally, kids should have time to grow, explore and be kids. When you give them your adult problems, they miss out on just enjoying the little things that make life so much fun. They start to worry like you do, taking them out of the present moment.
The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.
Dealing with an Affair.
Recently in my couples therapy group a comment was made. A young woman said to the group, "I would prefer my husband have an affair, prostitutes are so trashy." Another woman countered, "not me, with a whore you know it's just for sex, that I can live with." The group engaged in a lively debate, which resulted in a lot of laughter, I am happy to say. So what do you think? Would you be more heartbroken to find that your husband has slept with a prostitute? or that your husband is having an affair? We would love to hear your thoughts...
The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.
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